“Happy, joyful, gleeful, glad, and laughter,”…such easy words to say…simple concepts of life connected to that feeling of being pleased, contented…fulfilled. Multiply those feelings tenfold and you get words like “overjoyed, thrilled, delighted, euphoric, jubilant, and my personal favorite, cloud 9”. Diverse these words may be, I can’t quite say that they could fully describe the feeling that’s in my chest right now. I haven’t felt this kind of “doki doki” in years. No this is not romantic love like you or most of them would think. It’s not that kind of happiness you feel when you see your crush, or when you receive or acquire something you have always wanted. This isn’t even that kind of happiness that’d make you think you could do anything like conquer that world or cure world hunger. Deep those kinds of happiness may be, they still pale to the…“fuzziness”…inside me right now. It’s so much more than that…so much more than the every day mundane happiness you might experience..”Elated”…now that’s an understatement.
(let’s out a long siiiiiiiggggghhhhhhhhhh)
right now, I’m actually tryin’ to force myself not to fall asleep, for fear that I may lose this…this…feeling, and ultimately lose my chance of writing about it with as much force, power and verb as I do now.
Is this how Atlas, the Greek Titan, felt when Hercules relieved him of carrying the heavens on his shoulders after so long a burden? How Pinocchio felt that being loved is more important than being a real boy? How king Solomon of old composed one of the most beautiful songs in written history? How the Israelites felt in their exodus from Egypt after 400 years of slavery? Such mixed emotions of love, relief, inspiration, security, hope, joy and other feelings beyond possible description in text or writing?
I close my eyes and savor every waking minute of this feeling warming my spirit. For a few minutes, here I am, given a window of opportunity into a hopeful world where everything can and will be better. A world, where I can never be alone, where there is always someone out there who’ll lend a hand, two if necessary.
I’ve never felt so weightless, so unfettered by this world’s cruelties and limitations. I’ve never felt so safe, so relieved that somehow, everything is going to be better, and starting now, they already are. Every breath I take feels like fresh water being poured on my heart and mind. It’s like my very soul and spirit are bathed with pure untainted…bliss…being satiated and hungered for more and the same time.
In the wake of all things in the universe going taciturn, I start listenin’ to Bach, than Satie… Barber…Pachelbel…Mozart…Bocelli…Beethoven. I close my eyes again, this time letting the music sink in, down to the very depths of ME. Every note, a refreshment; every octave and diapason, like slices of heaven; every line, just pure tear-jerking bliss. Am I being given a glimpse of that very much sought after feeling we’ve all been lookin for…
Before 11:50pm, I could have sworn my weekend couldn’t have gotten any better, and then some. I continually look at the photos I have taken and I’m still taken aback…this surely couldn’t get any better. But it did, and that day, there was no sweeter voice, an hour and a half went by fast, a New York minute, if I may. It was like…an assurance…a guarantee per se, that no matter how severely pushed I am into the state of a pariah, there will always be someone, pulling me back …keeping me sane. And she knows I’m grateful (another understatement, I apologize), not just for the sweetest voice I’ve heard all night (week, month or year), but for the people whom she calls family…my 2nd family…you cannot imagine the joy in typing those last few sentences…the warmth it brings…the tears of happiness as I contemplate this whole weekend. Now I can truly say…”this couldn’t get any better”, but I hope I’m proven wrong again.
The winds have changed…I’ve Changed.