"Those" moments..., Thoughts

A crush combined with longing.

Dear Ms. Anon,

I’ve beat around the bush too long, so I’ll just spill. What entails are the thoughts I simply cannot articulate in a way that will not come off as desperate or too emotional. My head is in a jam. Recently, you’re all I think about, I can’t take you off my mind. From the first time we met, I’ve been beset by thoughts of you. It’s funny, because the more I ignore this feeling, the more I found myself believing that I just have to see you again.

I’m like a child once more;at a loss for words. Expressing my feelings through transcription has proved quite difficult. Difficult in the sense that I might fill volumes, and yet make no sense whatsoever. To think I’ve been paralyzed in one of the few things I’m quite good at brings a confused smile to my face. How does one define a crush combined with longing? Longing…longing to possess you, so dearly. I’m entranced by you completely. I just might go mad.

I’ve been too timid to let you know. I’ve always been afraid that I might say the wrong words and displease you, afraid that I might scare you away. Is this what they describe as being ‘afraid for love to fade, before it can come true?’ Not anymore. You’ve become too important. I cannot let you pass me by anymore. I can’t let you go. Now, let me say the things and say the words to let you know. I would rather say the awkward words then lose you or for love to fade before it can come true.”

Recrudescence, my dear Ellipses, recrudescence. To what extent, I am yet unaware. First off all, I’d like to address the little letter above. Now, no matter how much I’d like to deceive and force the original conceivability of this letter on my own, it’s completely (well, not 100% completely. Hmm…that makes in not-so-completely then. MOSTLY) unoriginal. It’s based on an old (oldies are goodies, I always say) love song that I still enjoy listening to, be kind and search for it yourself. Besides that fact that I can totally relate to it, it’s sung in a way that captures the unspoken emotions behind it. I hope one day I can properly hand it in printed form. Someday.

Second, I have no idea why I had to write ‘first off all.’ There really isn’t a second idea I’d like to express. Should I address to the seeming inactivity of this blog? That would make a second idea. Do over: Second, I’d like to address the seeming inactivity of this blog.

Have you ever experienced that feeling of desiring to do so many things that you end up doing only a little, if not nothing at all? Bingo. Here’s a medal brought to you by the same people who designed the emperor’s new clothes. I often say how much a miss having all the time to do the all the nothing I want. That feeling is born from that the fact that I miss having all the time to do all the everything I want. I become unnecessarily excited when I obsess over all the things I wanna (want to*, sorry force of habit) do that I end up doing only that: obsessing about what I want to do without truly accomplishing anything. I want to do a lot. In all seriousness, I simply cannot fit all of them in an 18-hour period (We all need 6-8 hours of sleep so no, it’s not a 24-hour time frame). Prioritize you say? I have, to the extent of managing my time in such a way that I give each a certain amount of the time which will that’ll allow me to enjoy what I’m doing without it feeling like triage. In an 18-hour day, I find myself doing less then half of what I want to do. This has brought me fear as well, fear to explore and experience new things that I might end up enjoying them completely which would then add further adding to my present predicament of proper prioritization. Discontent, you say? I shan’t say that. I’m not the finicky type. Instead of harboring the usual fear of disliking a new experience, I indubitably fret over becoming too familiar with it.

Family, school, work and other necessities for life are basic. I have trouble fitting in reading (lots and lots of reading. The length of the word does not give its gravity justice. This just might occupy most of my time, to the chagrin of the neglected basic necessities), writing (LOTS), ministry work, watching (not brain-dead-couch-potato watching. It’s a much more critical form), getting fit, and essentially many forms of learning. Learning a new language, learning an instrument, learning a new sport, learning what to do, how to do and then some. Then comes in doing nothing. Waste of time, you say? Schools of have recess periods. Work has its breaks. Life needs the same, a recovery period. Sleep is equally important.

Did you know the sleep is essential for learning and for new memories? It’s like a compiler. It collects, compiles and then stores all the things you learned and experienced after you woke up that day. Yes, school and work may keep you alive, but it’s the other things that make that life enjoyable and something worth living for. I have some serious time management to take care off. God help me.

I’ve neglected you, for that I’m sorry. I’ll be back. Soon.

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6 thoughts on “A crush combined with longing.

  1. You’re such a sweety. And LOL, you deceiver, I initially thought that the letter was written by you. I think, with the amount of eloquence and consideration you combine, you totally could.
    You have accurately captured the whole time-management predicament. I myself am struggling to churn out a post every few days. It makes me sad to stay away from the computer for long periods of time. I keep thinking of the unfinished draft. It haunts me at night, lol. There’s so much to do, so many things to watch, so many things to read, so many real-life demands on your time, I’ve had to put a hold on all reading and most watching to just find the time to write posts, and keep ahead of my replies. PLus I now have a twitter, on my blog screen name. So now I check my blog, my twitter, my facebook and my hotmail for messages. It takes a surprisingly long time. THEN I think about writing. But I really think it’s worth it, since I’ve found such nice people in the online community. It really is gratifying when you meet people form all over and share stuff.
    Oh, yes, I’m following you now 😀

    • My not-so-quick reply proves just how much time I’m lacking -_-. Thanks Jawaaa 🙂 I am happy to report that my time management skills are improving 🙂 I just have to avoid getting all frustrated, paranoid, overexcited, and all those other unhelpful emotions. I really want to read more. I feel better every time I do. You know that feeling when you store money in a piggy bank hoping one day it’ll be in the millions? A would-be writer’s money is vocabulary and literary experience, and reading is the act of storing that money. Now, whether my strict and intense rule of looking for the le mot juste is a good or bad thing, will be decided in my future posts. I now loathe just writing “formal brown shoes”; and instead write “camel-colored semi-brogue oxford dress shoes.” Hopefully, upping the ante will be good. 🙂 I wrote too much already. 😀

      Thanks for following!

  2. Becoming Bitter says:

    Hey there…Vincent. Thanks for following. I know how both of you feel – life is all about juggling the things that are important to us.

  3. Pingback: Open | The Sesquipedalian

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